This is a collection of the original posts from The Rollercoaster FB page for the first two months of its existence (started New Year 2020).
Check out all of The Rollercoaster FB posts:
- Collections of posts
- First Posts (2020)
- Rest of 2020
- 2021~2024
- Standalone posts
2020-02-28 02:47
Insomnia, my old friend. Awake from 03:10-06:45 on Wednesday morning. 02:05-03:30 on Thursday morning. Today I've been awake since 01:45 and no signs of my brain turning off yet (EDIT: finally was tired again and went back to bed at 03:50). Despite having been utterly exhausted by the time I went to bed each of the nights prior. In better news, yesterday I tried medication for ADHD for the first time since grade 4. I'm going to have to play with it to get the dosage right, but hopefully I'll get some control over my focus again. Maybe having more focus, and getting mental processing done during the day will help with sleep. One can only hope. Ever onwards!
2020-02-20 10:05
Reaching the end of 6 weeks of medication for depression, and I can say I haven't felt this alive in ages. I'm thinking maybe even though it didn't get bad until the last half of 2019, that the depression has been slowly building for a while. Maybe years of substance abuse damaged my body's natural ability to generate the required neurotransmitters. Whatever the case, I'm glad I sought treatment. The medication I'm on can have beneficial properties for ADHD, but I haven't noticed a difference in that regard yet. Still get side tracked, and end up with half finished projects left on a back burner somewhere. I think it might be time to explore options for treating my ADHD. I've avoided medication for three decades, afraid of the side effects one particular medication had on me in elementary school. Time to move past fear, and as has been a recurring theme this year, embrace change. Ever onwards!
2020-02-12 07:53
I've found very few things harder than embracing change. Yet the more I allow myself to change, the easier it becomes. Challenging old thought processes, old fears, old beliefs, old doubts, while holding on to those core fundamentals that make me me, and allowing new truths to grow. It's still scary at times, but having supportive friends and family certainly makes a big difference! I know if I didn't have all these wonderful people in my life, I certainly wouldn't be where I am now. Thank you all for being there, through good times, bad times, and everything in between. I only hope I can be as supportive for you all as you embrace changes in your own life!
2020-02-10 07:45
Change. One word that can mean so much. It can be good. It can be bad. It's an inevitable and essential part of life. Change is sometimes slow and gradual, and sometimes sudden and unexpected. It's also at the root of many fears and worries. Atypical neurotypes such as those with ASD, RSD, or BPD often have a great reluctance to change. I think it's possible to get over that reluctance, it's just going to take work. It's going to take change.
2020-02-09 01:43
So as many of you know, I've had chronic insomnia for well over half my life. I usually have no problems getting to sleep, but then wake up in the middle of the night. Other times I simply can't get to sleep. This is one of those latter times. I went to bed at 23:00. It's now 01:40. I haven't slept at all. So I got up again. Taking a melatonin and going to read for a bit before trying to get to sleep. Anyone else have experience with insomnia? And if so, did you find anything that helped?
2025 Update: while I don't get insomnia attacks as often, they definitely still happen. Now it's a toss-up whether it'll be a struggle to fall asleep, or a struggle to get back to sleep when I wake up in the night.
2020-01-29 12:20
There's more to this post that I will copy later, I'm putting one snippet here for now.
Like how can the guy who makes decent wages working from home, just got his second degree black belt in Taekwondo, has plenty of great friends, and always seems to be happy and joking around, have major depression and generalized anxiety? Easy folks, mental illness doesn't care about wages, doesn't care about talent or hard work, doesn't care about how many friends you have, and doesn't care how you express yourself when in public. It can affect everyone! And if you bury it away and put on a "happy face", most people would never know. That's one of the reasons I am so open about it, as I hope by sharing my story, it will help others do the same thing. We don't have to hide our illnesses. They aren't a sign of some kind of moral failing. They're simply a sign of being human.
2020-01-29 05:03
So I've been awake for two hours. Just about time to go back to bed now. So the meds have definitely worked for the depression. Haven't felt this good in, well, I don't know how long. It may have helped lessen my general anxiety levels, but hadn't been as effective in that regard. I'm hoping that's where therapy is going to make a difference. Won't eliminate the anxiety, it'll simply make it easier to handle. Can't say the meds have done anything at all for the ADHD symptoms. It does help some people, but my brain is still all over the place, and I still find myself in bouts of obsessive hyperfocus. I will say being in a very different mindset has changed a lot in my interpersonal relationships lately. I'll probably touch more on that later, either here or on Theory of Relationships. Anyway, back to bed for now. Cheers!
2020-01-27 16:05
Week 2 of group therapy. We discussed anxiety. I really enjoyed the discussion, and look forward to trying out some of the suggested coping mechanisms in the days and weeks ahead. Onwards!
2020-01-24 13:46
In the mirror this morning, I looked as bad as I felt. The old me would have shrugged, said, "morning you ugly bastard", and went to work. The new me said, "hell with that", and showered, shaved, and put on fresh clothes. Then looked in the mirror and said, "that's better." I dare not say how many years it's taken me to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and actually be happy with who I see looking back at me. Anyone else struggle with self image issues?
2020-01-22 08:37
In a very mixed head-space today. See, yesterday was a great day. I had a lot of fun, much of it spent with friends. Today however, I woke up with with what appears to be a head cold. Which now makes me feel bad as I went to martial arts last night and potentially spread an illness to the people who lift me up every week. I'm cancelling plans to visit other friends tonight. Putting myself in a bit of exile (can't be complete, as I live with my wife and kids), and hoping to emerge soon, free of contagions. Anyway, I think a discussion on how physical health can affect mental health is in order.
2020-01-20 16:27
Started group therapy today. It's similar to a group I participated in once before several years ago, but with a tighter focus. After the first session, I can safely say I think it's going to be a beneficial experience!
2020-01-19 13:41
I know I said I wanted to "level out" but today I'm literally feeling like the car has reached a completely flat stretch of track and is just kind of coasting along slowly. Really slowly. I mean it's great to not be depressed, and I'm relieved to not be in a manic state, but not sure quite how to describe this not-up-not-down-just-kinda-here feeling.
2020-01-18 08:27
Anyone else ever feel like you're actually multiple people living inside a single body? I don't necessarily mean dissociative personalities, more that within your personality there are conflicting traits which don't seem to make sense to exist in one person at the same time. This is something that I've thought about for years, but never really have been comfortable talking about. Time to change that.
Comment @ 09:21
As an example of conflicting mindset, I love where I live. It's beautiful here, and due to moving here I found martial arts, met an amazing group of friends, and am finally getting my mental health under control. At the same time, I often miss being in a bigger area with more people. It's kind of like cognitive dissonance, two very conflicting beliefs/mindsets existing at the same time. They shouldn't be able to, but somehow they do.
2020-01-17 09:14
Nearing the end of the week, and I can safely say while I'm not entirely off the rollercoaster, it's ups and downs are way less jolted now. The extremes seem to be gone, and the good days seem to be outnumbering the bad days. Plus, there's days like yesterday where the first half was kinda bad, but then the last half was excellent. How are y'all doing? Keep on keeping on!
Comment @ 11:04
I am going to say, I'm feeling a bit on the manic side today. Might just be a flare up of ADHD, but I'm keeping an eye on my own behavior just in case. Hopefully the medication and meditation help keep the manic episodes slightly less intense as well, as while it never got as bad as the depressive episodes, I do end up becoming impulsive and more likely to take risks I wouldn't otherwise take whenever I'm in a manic state.
2020-01-12 15:20
So it's less than a week on meds, but I think I'm noticing a bit of difference already. I'm feeling a little low today, but I have a feeling it would have been a subterranean low a week or two ago. Anxiety seems less as well. Moving forward. How's your day going?
2020-01-10 07:16
General depression levels seem to be staying down (I wouldn't say non-existent, but definitely more manageable), anxiety levels are still fairly elevated, but seem to be at least on a downward trajectory. Just gotta keep moving forward! How y'all doing?
2020-01-06 14:05
So, after consultation with my doctor, I've decided to try medication. Treating depression, anxiety, and some of my ADHD symptoms in one swoop. Ironically I am feeling a bit of anxiety about this, but I really think it's something I need to try. Also have a few things to work on to help with my odd sleep patterns, but honestly I think getting my mental health leveled out will probably help with that as well. Onwards!
2020-01-05 12:45
My recurring insomnia has been pretty active lately. I've lived with this for over half my life, but like everything over the last few months, it's ramped up to new levels of intensity. I'm definitely going to be asking my doctor about it this week. In better news, my anxiety levels seem to have significantly reduced, and my general emotional state has risen above the depression cloud level. The rollercoaster is riding high at the moment. Continuing with daily meditation and getting back into my various creative projects. I'll continue to post updates on this page, and share a bunch of inspiring memes and posts from other pages. As this page isn't just for the downswings, it's for all the possible combined states of mental health. So, how are you all doing today?
2020-01-04 11:06
After a rather sleepless night, I started my day focused on moving forward. Helped by a subtle reminder from my partner that I have an active subscription to a meditation site full of self help courses. So although I hadn't set any new year's resolutions, I'm putting daily meditation back on the list. One quick session down, and simply actually making a step instead of saying "maybe next week", and I know I've made the right choice. One day at a time. Anyone else practice meditation?
2020-01-03 12:32
Wondering how one can be good at having conversations, but not so good at actually communicating. I think this is something I'll be focusing on going forward.
2020-01-02 15:43
Getting back on track, and continuing the climb back up. Today I got back to some of regular routine, but also mixed it up a bit. Also started the process of getting professional help. Onwards!
2020-01-01 10:35
Had a good time with friends last night. Surrounded by people who I feel comfortable with, I thought maybe I'd reached the place where it starts going uphill again. Then I slept. Woke up worse. What a way to start the new year. I feel like the rollercoaster has derailed. At this point I don't know what to do.
Comment @ 15:03
So, I'm feeling better again this afternoon. I'm taking some advice and contacting mental health outreach tomorrow.
2019-12-31 10:30
Topic: Dream, Nightmare. CW: abandonment, sensory overload.
I'm in a slightly fuzzy place, filled with friends and family. Seems like a happy place to be, even if I can't tell where it is exactly. The temperature changes. A friend comes over, they tell me I've been too weird lately and that they can't handle that right now. They walk away through the crowd. As they go, more of the crowd follows them. The sound of feet stepping becomes intolerable, and the motion of all the people walking makes it impossible to focus my eyes, so I close them. When I open my eyes, I'm left in an empty place. Not just devoid of people, but devoid of everything. It's not even a room anymore, it's just a void. I don't have the emotion left to cry, or scream, or do anything at all. I just stand there in silence.
Note: There was a bit more to this dream before I woke up sweating yet chilled, but it's not appropriate for this post, or for sharing at this time. Maybe another day, as I doubt anything from this will fade away any time soon.
2019-12-31 09:42
Step into my theme park, where the emotional rollercoaster rides will show you exhilarating highs, and numbing lows. It's going to be quite the ride, so hold on tight!
Note: This was the introductory post on the FB page.