This was originally posted in multiple parts, but I prefer them to be together this time.
Types of Attraction
There are many types of attraction between humans, and while we're only going to be exploring a few of them in greater detail, I figure it's probably a good idea to have a brief summary of a few of the more common forms.
- Social Attraction: Being drawn to other people for platonic, social interactions. These are our friends. We find them funny, share common interests, and just plain enjoy being around them.
- Sexual Attraction: The desire for sexual contact between people. This is one of the two most well-known forms of attraction. There are exceptions (asexuality is a thing, and we'll touch on that in a later article), but most people are at some point in their life sexually attracted to other people.
- Romantic Attraction: The desire for a deep emotional connection with other people. Different cultures have different expectations and beliefs about romance, and again, while most people have a desire for romantic relationships, there are exceptions (aromantic people are also a thing, that we'll touch on later.)
- Familial Attraction: The closeness we feel to those we are related to. Our parents, our children, our siblings, etc. Like any other attraction, this can be changed, or even destroyed by the behaviors of those involved (leading to estrangement.)
- Artistic Attraction: The attraction to someone based on their creative output. Actors, musicians, painters, writers, etc. For the purpose of this project, we are focusing on attraction to the artists themselves, not the art (so as an example, admiring Peter Capaldi as an actor, versus being a fan of Doctor Who.) This can go to extremes, in which case it may become a case of Idolism. When combined with a sexual attraction, we often call it a Celebrity Crush.
These are just a small sampling of the many forms of attraction that are possible between people. All of these forms of attraction are separate, and none of them are mutually exclusive, we may feel one or more of them in any combination, although some combinations are more common than others. The combination of the first three (social, sexual, and romantic) lead into more abstract concepts such as soul mates. We’ll be exploring those three in more detail in the next few articles.
Passive vs Active
For all of the types listed, I would say there are different levels of attraction within each. To keep things simple, I'm going to focus on two classifications of levels that I call Passive Attraction, and Active Attraction.
Passive Attraction is recognizing attractive traits in someone, but not actively being attracted in that way to that person. I often describe this as "finding someone attractive". There are dozens if not hundreds of people I find attractive, in that passive observation sort of way.
Active Attraction is the conscious identification that you are attracted to someone else. You don't just recognize the traits, you are actively and consciously drawn to that person. The number of people I am attracted to is far smaller than those I find attractive, and I could likely count on my fingers.
When we tell someone, "you're beautiful", or "you're handsome" it's often because we recognize attractive traits in someone, whether we're actively attracted to them or not. This is something you could say to a sibling, child, friend, and it's totally cool. On the other hand, "I am overwhelmingly inundated by your beauty and spirit", or "I just want to soak in your presence forever" is probably not something you're going to say to just anyone. That kind of direct language, and the emotional state from which it emerged, is reserved for those we are actively attracted to.
I think recognizing and understanding the difference between passive and active attraction is important for all types of interpersonal relationships.
Social Attraction
Social attraction is for most people the single most common form of attraction, and the one on which the vast majority of our relationships are formed, and yet, it’s the one which is referenced the most infrequently when discussing attraction and relationships.
Social attraction has many different elements, but for simplicity sake, we’re going to boil it down to finding things about other people who make you want to spend more time with them in a social context. These are the people we tend to call our friends. Many of us have a wide variety of friends who fall into different circles or categories within our own relationship structures. There are close friends, who you tell your most guarded secrets to, and for whom you know will be there when you need them (and they know you’ll be there too!) There are your shared activity friends (sports, arts, festivals, whatever your “thing” happens to be) who you might not see outside of the shared activity, but whom you still have a friendly relationship with; you might not tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, but you will give them encouragement and hopefully they do the same for you. There are work friends, school friends, online friends (gaming, social media, forums, etc.), and tons of other kinds of social relationships. These example categories are by no means mutually exclusive either! You might have close friends who are also shared activity partners, and/or co-workers. The possible combinations are endless.
So what is it we find attractive in a person when it comes to social context? That’s a tricky question, as it’s going to differ from person to person, but probably the most basic thing in most social attraction, is common interests. Maybe you’re both into science fiction; or play the same sport (shared activity friendships come to mind here), like video games, vote for the same political parties, or have similar religious beliefs. There’s so many different interests and traits that you can find commonalities in. Not to say common interests are the only influence in social attraction. Heck no! In fact, we often have friends with wildly differing interests and opinions, and that’s just fine. Actually, it’s better than fine, it’s desirable to have a diverse set of friends with different traits and beliefs. You don’t want to get stuck in an echo chamber of clones who look, act, and believe exactly the same as you. Well, maybe you do, but that’s not my idea of fun, or mentally healthy!
There may be all kinds of other traits that we find attractive in a social context. A person’s particular sense of humour, the way they smile, their choice in fashion, their attitude or outlook on life, and countless other things. There is no magical formula to determine who you’ll find socially attractive, nor who will find you socially attractive. If you’re looking for easy answers, you’re not going to find them here. Just go forth and interact with people, and if you and someone else find socially attractive traits in each other, you’ll probably end up friends.