This is going to be a large topic, so I’m going to split it into a few parts to make it easier to write. In our interpersonal relationships, not everyone involved is always going to have the same attractions towards each other. They may be out of sync, or asynchronous; they may be completely different shapes, or asymmetrical. There are many variations on this theme, but probably the most famous is unrequited love. Songs, movies, and social movements have been born from this one seemingly simple topic. I don’t think it’s quite as simple as most depictions would make it seem though.
Nobody can really control their attractions. We are attracted to others in many different ways, usually for reasons beyond our own control. It can be difficult when one person is attracted to someone in a way the other person does not reciprocate. I’ve been on both sides of this; experiencing romantic and/or sexual attraction toward someone who does not share that attraction. Personally, my social skills are fairly limited, and I find expressing certain things to other people challenging at best. So what do I say to someone who has expressed an attraction to me that I don’t have toward them? I find that situation harder to deal with than the other way around (where I simply say nothing, because I’d rather not stir the pot; I should probably work on being a little more communicative.) I honestly don’t have a one-size fits all answer to give you. I wish I did, as I’d use it myself! In the past I’ve used a few different strategies, and some have gone better than others.
One thing I want to get out of the way before going any further is the idiotic notion of the dreaded friend zone. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, as there’s a bunch of people out there, who upon discovering that their particular attractions are not reciprocated, moan loudly that they’ve been friend-zoned. As if friendship (which tends to result from social attraction) is somehow less than any other form of attraction, and that other people must be intentionally rejecting them because they don’t share an attraction. It’s an unhealthy mentality, as it completely ignores how attraction works in the first place. Let me re-iterate an earlier statement for clarity: we do not choose our attractions. I did not wake up one day and say, “I’m going to be sexually attracted to these particular subsets of humans, and socially attracted this this subset.” Doesn’t work that way (and for romantic attraction, it’s even more complicated, as at least for me that requires knowing a person for a longer period of time, in a social and/or sexual relationship. I don’t simply fall in love with people on first sight, although I know there are those who claim to have done so.) As far as I am concerned, the friend zone is an imaginary concept invented by those incapable of accepting that other people have different feelings, and indeed different attractions.
Anyway, I think I’m going to wrap up this part. The next part of this topic will focus on healthy ways to deal with asynchronous and asymmetrical attractions, and will tie in the concept of relationship anarchy as a way to form new kinds of relationships that break the mold of social stereotypes.
Please feel free to leave comments and feedback on this one, as it would be great to have some other opinions before I write the next part!
Authors note: this was originally sub-titled "Part 1", but I never got around to writing more parts.