Okay I think I'm going to just blow a fucking cork and do something really bad one of these days. You know one of those bad trip kinda things that you just wish could be avoided? Ah fuck it.
Okay so like what in the bloody hell am I doing anymore? Who the bloody hell am I? Why the bloody hell should I give a shit? The answers to these and many more can be found... NO-FUCKING-WHERE!
Do I sound like a happy person? Well I am damn it! What the bloody hell are you talking about? Okay, so once again I start off sounding like some kind of crazed lunatic. Maybe, just maybe, I really am a fucking crazed lunatic! That would at least explain something! You're all probably wondering what the bloody hell I'm talking about aren't you? Well too bad I'm not going to tell you. I've gotta keep my professional life and my personal life seperate, or so I've been told.
You see when your professional life gets so fucked up that you look back at your personal life, formerly thought to be the most fucked up thing in existence, and go - shit it aint so bad after all - This is a sign my friend, this is a sign that you are in need of some major karma adjustments (or some shit like that).
So here I am, working where I've been working for the last three and a half years. No biggie eh? I wouldn't think so. Except every day I feel like I'm sinking into a hole that I'm just not going to get out of. So what do I do? I write about it. I write a bloody diary entry about it, only to get in fucking shit for that. Well fuck it. I'm sitting here at home, on my home computer with it's lovely 28.8 modem, writing. Why am I doing this? Why am I sitting up here at 11pm doing this? Because I have to.
What the bloody hell is this guy talking about? He has to ? Huh? Okay let me give this to you the easy way. I'm totally fucking crazy. A loony. Nuts in the head. Insane. Pick a word, it fits. The only way I can express how I feel is to write. I have my own way of writing, I have my own place to write in, this is my life and this is what I am. I will keep my personal life seperated from my professional life. I will not again ever no matter what I'm doing write anything of a personal nature while at work. So don't expect to see any updates of this site any time soon since this 28.8 modem is driving me crazy, oh wait that's redundant I've already said that ;-)
What does this really mean? It means I've got enough personal problems without trying to add in the qualms of marketting people, investment information, reports, organizers, log books, shit. I have been working at this for a really long time. I am dedicated to seeing my company be as successful as possible, and in trying to dedicate 110% of myself to the job, I find myself getting overloaded with it.
I dream about my job. Every night. I can't sleep just lying in my bed, my mind going over and over everything from work in my head. Problems, anxieties, changes, arrivals, departures, please turn off all electronic equipment during landing... Sometimes I just get overloaded and spill out, oozing my pent up pressures at the first person to step in front of me. Then when questions of what am I really doing arise, I look at myself and think that maybe if nobody else can see what I'm doing, then maybe I'm the one who's blind. Maybe I just don't know what I am doing anymore, or why. Maybe it's just that I've gotten lost in the job to the point that I can't remember what the job was in the first place. Maybe I've come to the point where I try to be involved in just so much, that I'm just getting in the way of everyone else and hindering progress. I don't want to be a hinderance to my team.
I like my team, all of my co-workers are people I enjoy being around. I like everyone in my company. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I'm befriending instead of just working, but that's just how I am. I won't work with someone if I can't get along with them. That's the problem. As I let out steam in any random direction, I become the person who's hard to work with. My own fears come forth, and I realize that I've become them all.
I'm not going to bother formatting this update in my usual style. I don't even know what my usual style is anymore. I've really got to get my shit together, but not only don't I know how to do that, I don't even know what it is I'm putting together anymore. I don't know if it really matters much or if anyone really cares, but it would be nice to know.
Anyone got a good 800 number I can call?
Didn't think so.
